The Guardian are running a poll to discover who their readers think should win the 2014 Bad Sex Award.
Just for fun can you let us know your picks from the extracts (copied from The Guardian) below, but be warned that it contains some explicit language!
If you can think of one that hasn’t made the list we would love to hear it!
1. House of Earth by Woody Guthrie
Back and forth, side to side, they moved on their bed on the hay. Back and forth, side to side, they moved their hips, their feet, their legs, their whole bodies. Their arms tied into knots like vines climbing trees, and the trees moved and swayed, and there was a time and a rhythm to the blend of the movement. And inside the door of her womb she felt her inner organs and tissues, all her muscles and glands, felt them roll, squeeze, squeeze, and roll, and felt that every inch of her whole being stretched, reached, felt out, felt in, felt all around the shape of his penis. So magnified and so keen were her feelings that her inner nerves could even feel the bumps, the ridges, the pimples, the few stray hairs along the shaft of his male rod.
2. Motherland by William Nicholson
‘So are we going to do it, Lawrence?’
‘Yes,’ he whispers. ‘Yes.’
‘Doesn’t the Catholic Church say it’s wrong?’
‘Yes,’ he says.
‘Fucking me is wrong.’
‘But you want to fuck me even so, Lawrence.’
‘Yes,’ he groans, feeling the tip of his cock pushing into her a little way.
‘If you fuck me, will God punish you, Lawrence?’
‘I don’t care,’ he says.
‘God won’t punish you,’ she says, ‘if you love me.’
‘I love you, Nell. I love you. I love you.’
He feels the intensity of his love for her with each repetition, along with the tingling in his cock, and the profound shock of joy with which he has heard each utterance by her of the word fuck. She seems to know how much this electrifies him. She moves her hips, pushing him deeper into her all the time, and as she does so she whispers, ‘Fuck me now, Lawrence. Fuck me now.’
3. The City of Devi by Manil Suri
Surely supernovas explode that instant, somewhere, in some galaxy. The hut vanishes, and with it the sea and the sands – only Karun’s body, locked with mine, remains. We streak like superheroes past suns and solar systems, we dive through shoals of quarks and atomic nuclei. In celebration of our breakthrough fourth star, statisticians the world over rejoice.
4. Secrecy by Rupert Thomson
I closed my eyes as well and moved inside her, imagining the ribbed flesh, the supple rings of muscle. Mauve and yellow flowers filled the blank screen of my eyelids, the petals loosening and drifting downwards on to smooth grey stone. I kissed the soft bristles in the hollow of her armpit, then I kissed the smaller hollow of her clavicle. I moved up to her mouth, which smelled of ripe melon. Not the wound-red Tuscan watermelon, but the pale-green variety I had bought in Naples once, and which had grown, so I was told, on the wild coast of Barbaria.
5. The World Was All Before Them by Matthew Reynolds
In the dappled shadows the bodies cling and thrust and arc and stretch. Toes splay. Arms prop shoulders from which a torso slopes. Two legs spring into the air. A head flaps from side to side. Fingers tense, hips grip and ankles twine. Forehead bows to forehead and hair touches in the air as eyes look longingly into eyes, thighs vie, lip lips lip and…
But, damn, dammit! – what was this?
Anxiously he began to get the impression that his vas deferens was initiating its rhythmic squeezing too soon, too soon …
But phew she too seemed to be surfing the waves of neuromuscular euphoria, so that as, sweating, panting, he bowed his forehead to her chest, she gripped him tight, her sharp nails stabbing; and then they were grinning and kissing each other’s noses, cheeks; and then they lay entangled for a moment, breathing; and then they rose, one after another, went for a piss, came back and settled into bed again.
6. My Education by Susan Choi
Until now, my orgasms had been deep and ponderous things; slow to yield to excavation; self-annihilating when they finally did, so that in their wake I felt voided and calm, every yen neutralised, and gazed on whoever had managed the work with benign noninterest. Never had there been this tormenting, self-heightening pleasure, like a hail of hot stones, and yet she seemed to recognise just what had happened, so that before I had even stopped keening she bore down again. She made me come so many times that afternoon that had I been somewhat older, I might have dropped dead. Had I been a doll, she might have twisted off each of my limbs, and sucked the knobs until they glistened, and drilled her tongue into each of the holes.
7. The Last Banquet by Jonathan Grimwood
Reaching behind me, I found the Brie and broke off a fragment, sucking her nipple through it. She tasted almost as she had the day I took the drop of milk on my finger.
Manon smiled when she realised what I was doing.
You know the peasant saying? If you can’t imagine how neighbouring vineyards can produce such different wines put one finger in your woman’s quim and another up her arse, then taste both and stop asking stupid questions… My fingers found both vineyards. At the front, she tasted salt as anchovy and as delicious. At the rear, bitter like chocolate and smelling strangely of tobacco.
8. The Victoria System by Eric Reinhardt
We made love for five hours. Anxious by nature and always fearing that I will disappoint, I became a different man in this bed – freed of all worries, carried away by an irrational exhilaration.
For me, Victoria was like a deep nocturnal forest that I strode through without knowing where I was going, through woodland, amid ferns, under tall shivering trees, far from any path. There were noises, puddles, odours, dampness, shapes that vanished, treetops overhanging our bodies. I thought of nothing. I let our frolics lead where they would. I experienced moments of fulfilment and astonishment, euphoria and intimidation, and then episodes of grace when Victoria smiled at me, overcome with happiness, as if we were lying in a glade.
I spent far too large a portion of my upper teenage years immersed in the American TV soap Dawson's Creek. For the benefit of the uninitiated, at least the first season of the show was dominated by the question of whether the hero Dawson would realize he loved his platonic, yet comely, friend Joey, unforgettably portrayed by the future ex-Mrs Cruise, Katie Holmes.
A fantastic review of Wings by Mikhail Kuzmin by Assorted Books. Wings is a book about homosexuality in Russia, it was met with outrage when it first appeared in 1906 and sadly it seems that it would be again today - http://bit.ly/HWJsnw
Today marks the publication day of two gorgeous, hardback fairy tale anthologies edited by Andrew Lang. Originally published 1889-1990. they include tales from the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Andersen, as well as lesser-known tales from further afield. The stories are accompanied by original illustrations throughout.
To get your hands on a copy TheBookbag.co.uk are running a competition to win a set of these, so don’t miss out on your chance to have these beautiful books for free!